Why is it that the things that are good for us to do are often the things we most avoid? While steamed leafy greens, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, or skipping the butter all sound relatively easy in theory, how often is it that we actively put such brilliant ideas into practice? Why is it that the simple task of donning raingear and riding the bike seems so much more daunting than reaching for the car keys? Or perhaps on a broader level, why is it we hold back from going for that promotion or asking that cutie across the studio for their phone number? What are some ways that we can cultivate honor, respect, and compassion for ourselves and muster up some courage towards making change?
Resistance comes in many forms. Conjuring up excuses is one of them. Having unrealistic expectations is another. Succumbing to personal disrespect and indulging in the opposite of what we know is right is one of the most drastic forms of resistance, and perhaps the most severely addicting and potentially repetitive. It takes work to open up to the things just beyond our comfort level, especially when we find ourselves in an unproductive or destructive pattern. As a practice, we have to strive to lean into our discomfort and only then will we begin to grow and expand with diligence and grace.
I find that for me, avoidance is my most common form of resistance. We all have things we tend to avoid, some of them help us and some of them hurt us. The effort exists in not only avoiding the potentially harmful things, but in resisting avoiding the things that could benefit us. In recent months I have suffered a lapse in my personal meditation practice. I seem to justify it by my hectic schedule of long and odd hours, and my living situation of a full house with no private place to sit. To atone, I find myself practicing asana at the studio religiously, or working to remember to repeat a mantra as I do the dishes or work in the garden. Even though I feel the pull from my pillow each day, strategically positioned at the center of my bedroom, millions of tiny obstacles are keeping me from actually sitting on it. My boyfriend is in the bed snoring, I feel tired or hungry, I have to leave in twenty minutes, my email is more interesting, something needs cleaning, there’s noise outside… these are all reasons I have allowed to deter me from the cushion, even this very morning. Aside from all of the distractions, I am well aware that it is just simply my own resistance that keeps me from sitting. My resistance is the very roots from which these obstacles seem to blossom.
Sometimes, it takes some risks to grow. Taking a seat on my big comfy pillow in front of photographs of my favorite teachers hardly seems like a risk. But to be honest, I feel a sense of self-pressure for a successful sit. I have a hard time looking Muktananda or Buddha in the eye as my mind chatters on about sheer and utter nonsense. For me, and likely others, there is a sense of peace and awareness that I know I am striving for, and perhaps I feel too far away from it to even try. I know in my heart that I shouldn’t judge any of my efforts, and shouldn’t have expectations to have my sits come out a certain way. But I have found myself in a pattern in which I do.
I have heard my teacher explain remedies for such a lapse, and usually it goes along the lines of diving head first into a regular practice. He suggests setting and committing to a time, and practicing for at least 45 minutes early in the morning and a half hour at night. For awhile, getting up and sitting was something I just had to do, but with new circumstances and living situations I fell out of the flow with it, my pattern became interrupted, and now here I am a few months later with practically no practice whatsoever. It seems that sometimes the longer you go without doing something, the harder and harder it is to do it, even if it used to come easily and naturally. Everyone has excuses, and there is always a reason not to practice. But sometimes we are required to make a drastic shift to get things moving back in the right direction.
Often the drift from a healthy pattern or supportive practice feels good at first. Letting go of something that can seem oppressive or nagging might even be freeing, in a sense. But it is important to acknowledge the tendency towards indulgence over the measured effort towards wellness. Cheating on a diet can feel and taste good, but if we eat ice cream sundaes every day it is likely not going to keep us feeling great for long. There is a tendency for us to fall off the wagon, but then hesitate before we try to get back on. Instead of giving up on ourselves and rolling over into the mud, it pays to get up quickly and start running to catch up to that wagon, before it takes off over the horizon.
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